


Terminal

by spicydanhowell



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, M/M, One Shot, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-07
Updated: 2017-12-07
Packaged: 2019-02-11 15:17:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12938025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spicydanhowell/pseuds/spicydanhowell
Summary: Dan struggles with a terminal illness, and the cure for his pain is far from home.





	Terminal

Phil sighed as he filled a large glass of water at the kitchen sink, and ambled into the bedroom to water the parched plants that awaited within. Dan used to care for his succulents religiously, watering them every sunday evening, but nowadays, that job was left to Phil. Some pots had no drainage holes, so Phil was careful to only pour a few drops into those, whilst remaining a bit more care-free with the others. When he was done, he refilled the glass in order to water the larger plants in the lounge. Phil sighed again; the flat was quiet as usual. Dan was not in, and he missed the comforting familiarity of his partner’s voice.

Not bothering to remove his socks -Phil preferred to wear socks to bed- Phil lay on the sofa and waited for the return of his partner.

* * *

 “Philly? Wake up!” called a voice as Phil dreamt. Phil huddled under his blanket at the disturbance and then rubbed his eyes gently, glasses still on his face, pressing into his temple. “I’m making tea. Do you want tea as well, or coffee?”

“Coffee” Phil mumbled without hesitation. “I’ve missed you.” Phil removed his glasses, rubbed his eyes again, and set the thick black frames on the coffee table. Dan chuckled, disembodied, from the kitchen.

“I missed you too.”

“How was your trip?” Phil inquired eagerly. There was a moment of silence where Phil presumed his partner was thinking, or preoccupied.

“My trip? Fraught with peril, obviously.” he joked before laughing lightly. “You know I don’t do well with travel, especially at this kind of a distance.”

“Yeah.” Phil mumbled in reply, still groggy from sleep. He didn’t hear Dan enter the room, but suddenly he was there behind Phil, warm breath on his cheek.

“There you go, babe.”

“Thank you. I needed a coffee.” Phil managed, eyes still closed. He sensed Dan’s presence wandering about the room, pausing at random intervals. Phil listened to his breathing and light foot falls.

“You remembered to water my plants!” Dan exclaimed happily. “I was worried you’d forget.”

“Never.”

“And my laundry?” Dan breathed a soft chuckle. “You don’t have to wash my clothes; I haven’t even worn them. They were probably clean to begin with”

“I know. It’s a habit I guess.”

Sad silence hung in the air for a moment.

“I’m sorry I left, babe, and obviously I have to out again soon. You know, I made a commitment and everything.

“I know.”

“I almost regret making it, you know, because I have to spend so much time away from you. I didn’t even know I’d get these visits…” Dan paused, collecting his thoughts. “I guess the visits are the silver lining.”

“Don’t worry, Dan, I know this has brought you some relief, so I’m okay with it, really.” Phil mumbled into his blanket.

“You don’t have to be okay with it, and I don’t expect you to be...The doctors tried really hard to help me, but it’s a painful, awful sickness, you know that.” Dan paused again, and the room became a soundless void. “This method of treatment was never what I wanted, well, I thought about it once in awhile, but the visits with you make it much more bearable. This treatment… It’s taken away my pain completely. It’s amazing.” With that, Dan’s warm presence engulfed Phil once again, making him sleepy, and comfortable, but anxious as well.

“I…” Phil stammered, suddenly defensive. “I need to be alone now. My… My therapist told me this might be difficult, that she’d seen it before with people with ill loved ones. I… think I need to call her office. I love you Dan, but your visits make my heart drop into my stomach. Seeing you ill and lifeless. It sounds so cruel, but when you’re away I’m left with just thoughts of you, happy thoughts, and when you’re here I have to see that what I’m imagining is not how you are anymore. Every day I want you here, in our flat, but when you’re here it’s not like it was, you know? I’m always so worried about you, off with strangers, without me or your family…”

Dan let out a pained breath. Despite his lack of physical pain, the pain in his heart grew more intense with every second.

“Philly… I’m so sorry. I’ll come here whenever -if ever- you want me to. I’m about to go back, so please, take care of yourself. Keep yourself healthy in my place. I love you dearly.”

“I love you too bear.” Phil remained horizontal on the sofa as he choked out these words. He swore he felt a kiss on his forehead as Dan made his exit, taking nothing with him.

* * *

The air was frigid. Phil turned his head to find his phone screen lighting up with a Twitter notification, and no trace of a coffee cup on the table. Phil stretched his limbs, reached for his phone, and composed a message to his therapist.

_Jill, he visited again. I’m not sure how I feel._

A few minutes later, she replied.

_You’ve got an appointment with me at 2 tomorrow. Will you be okay until then?_

_Yes, thank you._

Phil stood, shuffled over to the fireplace and examined the photo on the mantle. There sat Dan, pale and thin, smiling weakly from a hospital bed, his own face smiling by his partner’s side, tears behind both of their eyes. This photo was taken one month prior to his assisted suicide. The engraving on the frame read the chilling affirmation. Daniel “Bear” Howell 1991-2018.


End file.
